you will always need your mom

it seems as though i've regained my mind. i've spent the last couple of weeks in a fuzz of some sorts. i have no issue with being busy, i honestly sometimes prefer it, but in many ways my life has felt very all-gas-no-breaks lately. cramming as much into a day that can possibly be crammed, with very little time for friends and (sorry everyone) most importantly; writing. hence my absence here... i've tried to write and believe me i have, still, nothing of any real substance has come until today. i've learned to live through that discomfort- after all, it's part of what you sign up for in a way- when you promise yourself to writing like i have. dry spells, brain blocks, you know the drill... i supposed that makes me lucky to be addicted.

i have quite big plans for 2024. i've never been much of a new year's resolution type because no one is, but i sure am excited. i see no sense in wasting my youth on anything that i don't feel passionate about and i don't know about you, but i don't personally have a passion for $750k in student loan debt. love ya'll so much and you've got my support- but if i followed any other path than the one i'm on now, i know i'd be miserable. so yes, in short, the music school debate is over, for i have decided it was in fact a waste of money the entire time and that phoebe bridgers (as always) was right when she said people only go to music school to drop out. with all that being said, i still need to know how to produce... i'll get back to you about this when i'm eating my words.

i start ballet in january because i seriously believe that i can do anything. that, and if god is real he seriously sculpted my feet for it. i am absolutely over the moon about this. the girl who cries watching the dance recital- that's me, hi. seriously. ballet makes me emotional, i can't explain it but i love it. i have such admiration for dancers because i am not one, i'm a white person. and ballet is hard- that's exactly what makes me want to conquer it entirely. i have the same complex with chess. they both enhabit a kind of genius that i crave. i don't know exactly, there's just something intensely appetizing to me about a challenge. the only con to this is how mind-numbingly expensive it is. fuck it we ball!

this blog exists for many reasons now, but the idea started as a way for my mom to keep updated on the more detailed inter-workings of my life and brain while we're apart & living in different places. one of my favorite things about "getting older" has been my relationship with my mom. it's safe and rather obvious to say i was a challenging child to raise, in bailey world, these are the kinds of hardships we endure for greatness. but in all seriousness, it was a wild ride & now that we've come out the other end; future parent bailey- just make it through 15-18 and you should be good.

let me be clear here, i was not the only hardship to be endured in mine and mom's lives. i won't start listing but- trust me. what i will tell you is that my mom and i make one hell of a team! at this point, it almost feels as if you could put just about any kind of roadblock in front of us and hand in hand we'll catch ya on the other side. that alone is one of the many reasons i wouldn't change anything about my life. it won't make sense to everyone, but being raised by a single parent, especially mom, has been one of the best and most important parts of my life. as i grow up, i become more and more aware of my mother's unrelenting selflessness and all the sacrifices she has made for me in our lives. it makes me wonder how we as people don't drown in our debt to our parents. you spend so much of your teenage years swearing up and down that you want to be on your own just to be on your own and realize you will always, always need your mom. i don't know when my perspective on parents changed exactly, but i remember reading in a book one day that everyone is doing life for the first time, even your parents, and there it was; the simple realization that we're really not that different at all. as children, we grow through life believing parents have it all figured out. when in reality, both of my parents were once drooling, diapered babies, which means they were also over-confident 18 year olds and without a doubt lost 20 year olds, like me. i'm nowhere near close to having everything figured out and i probably won't be any closer at 35 or 45 or 50, because the simple truth here is that no one ever figures it out. no one ever has, and no one ever will. and maybe if we didn't expect our parents to be superhuman and just let them simply be humans, than all of us (myself included) would be a lot less resentful. i can't blame my parents for the mistakes and missteps along the way because who's to say i would have done any different? nobody fucking knows what they're doing and there is certainly no handbook for how to raise a 6-foot-scream-singing-stubborn-primadonna-chatterbox. and hey, who's to say there were any real mistakes anyway, i'm getting to be pretty awesome nowadays... there is no such thing as perfect people so therefore there will never ever be a perfect parent. simple as that. i just hope my mom knows, despite the imperfections, i owe her everything. her strength and resilience are beyond anyone i know. i'm proud of everything she's done and proud of myself for having been raised by her- all compliments to me are really just compliments to her.

so wisen up kids. be understanding, be forgiving, be grateful- god knows i'll be spending the rest of my life making up for the time that i wasn't. i love you my mom and i can't wait to hug you again soon. btw emotionally maturing is awesome. peace out!